Felt Crafts

Kid home sick today, so I thought I would post something easy for today!

Here are a few felt crafts I have been working on for Graycen's 4th birthday in March.


A dozen felt heart sugar cookies

Felt tea bags, four in red and four in pink

Her birthday party theme is Dr. Seuss, so here we go!

One Fish Two Fish

Red Fish Blue Fish

Each child who attends the party will get a set to take home: one red, one blue, two green and one white

(still working on the red, then on to the green and whilte)

Going in Circles

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I am going in circles and nothing really seems to get accomplished! Kids are sick again, so no swim and dance class for this Wednesday.

Instead, we went to a garden center to look at plants because it was too cold for the park. With the cold,  we did end up staying inside looking at ferns, cacti, and orchards. Then there was the long stint the kids had playing (coveting) with the shelf of plastic animals and dinosaurs. Last stop was the section with live fish,  birds, rabbits, genie pigs and rodents. Kids had fun and it took up close to half hour of our day.

I broke down and bought an Orchid (oops – 18 euros but much needed) to cheer myself up and four heart candles on sale for 1 euro. I held strong to the bagging from the little people for new plastic animals. Though, I did buy them some organic blueberry tarts at 3.50 euros that helped smooth the lack of toys.

It has been a rough day! I have been frustrated and feeling like I do is take care of sick kids, wash dishes, do laundry and clean up after my family. Thankfully, I was able to loose myself for a short time in some music, songs from the television show Glee on youtube and some crying.

Yes, I want to crawl into bed and stay there for a couple of days. How I want this winter cold to end so I can take my kids out and not have to have hats, huge jackets and mittens/gloves.

Goal for tonight: bake banana bread for my daughter's class, as I signed up for snack. Even though it is extremely slim she will even go tomorrow as she has almost lost her voice. Still, snack is needed for the other kids.

More uplifting thoughts hopefully coming soon. I'm off to vegetate, sew red fish bean bags, and get dinner for kids.

Oh, yes and today is the two year anniversary of my husband's first day of work here in France.

Two Years in France

Yes, we have been in France for two years!

It's also been a little over two years since I have been in the US.

Art work for Valentine's Day ~ Spring 2011

With Spring coming... Yes, I know it is coming! I can see it in brief moments when I notice the start of tiny buds forming on some trees... I have been thinking about song birds for some reason. Maybe it is because at this time of year I only see a lot of pigeons roosting in our village. The arrival of song birds in the Northern Hemisphere signals the return of Spring.

Here in Provence, France, when Spring arrives, the morning and evening sky is filled with Swift birds in our village. They have nests under the eves of our house on the third floor (and yes, lots of poop on our window railings of the front of the house) and the baby birds start their song for food early every morning. Unfortunately, often before the sun even makes an appearance, say 4 am. On a bought of insomnia, they keep me company till my kids wake up. The birds live with us through the summer months, departing sometime in September or October.

I have been trying to decided which song bird is my favorite. In doing some research on the symbolism of certain song birds, and listening to the enormous amount of recorded song birds on YouTube, I had an idea for a project for Spring. A sort of Spring intentions box through the symbolism of a favorite song bird. I have been doing some journal work the last week for an art project I have been tossing around in my mind for Valentine's Day and/or Spring.

I decided to ask my mother and husband which is their favorite song bird. My mother choose the Robin bird, and in fact, so did my husband. Though I feel like I would like to give my husband a different theme box. Maybe a hunting bird? Still a work in progress at this point for him.

Here is the Robin Bird Box

eleven year anniversary!

On January 15, 2011 Taiger and I celebrated our eleven year anniversary. In September we will celebrate nine years of marriage.

 

Amazing!

A current struggle

OK, let's be honest, I have many current struggles! Time is one of my most difficult. Time for me; time to give to my family; time for my children; time for my husband; time for my friends and family in the US or here in France; time for creative projects; time for learning. The list continues.

Today, I have been having tons of GUILT!!! Mom guilt and self guilt. I am finding no clear answers as I go though the process of dissection, and that is proving so hard for me.

Background:

My oldest child is 6.5 years old. I stayed home with him from birth to him starting school. In the US when he was 4, he went two days a week for less than three hours. That was the most time I had away from him, ever. On top of that he had/has a speech delay. On top of that I had a younger daughter that never left my care unless with their dad. Everything just went on hold to raise them. My choice but still hard.

Jump to our move to France in January 2009. My oldest started going to school four days a week from 8:30 am - 4:30 pm during March-April and through the 2009 school year.

I was thrilled to have so much time with my daughter who turned two in March 2009! It was amazing for me to care for only one child. Though it was hard on everyone, as it was long days for my son without me. I could see the toll it took on him in the beginning. *GUILT* The wonderful plague of motherhood. What would we do without it, right.

He is now better with the routine, as he then had the whole school year of 2009/2010 to adjust to the days and he was then five. Still, I felt like he was missing on connection and creative time, or just regular kid downtime doing nothing but playing and daydreaming. The hard part was that I could feel my need for the time away from him. Again nasty *GUILT* came into play.

So, here I am, January 2011. My daughter, who on the general front is very easy for me to be around and care for (a different dynamic than my son to be sure) started the same school in September. Her very first time being away from me! It was so difficult to let he go, how my heart broke, as she is still so much my baby. More than likely my last baby. She is in what would be preschool in the US. I have her going only mornings, four days a week. I drop both off at 8:20 am and return at 11:30 am to get her, while my son stays until 4:30 pm pick up. Here in France, kids go to school Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.

My daughter turns four in March. That was going to be my goal to have her start going the whole day. I am fighting with *GUILT* at even thinking about this. What is in her best interests and what my soul is needing, may not be at the same place. Our current schedule only gives my roughly 2.5 hours before I have to be in the car, on my way to picking her up. Here in France, many of the stores do not even open till 10 am. Though thankfully the most of the grocery stores are open at 8:30 am. I feel in a constant rush or torn between being productive on all fronts or resting,just resting.

I am feeling so torn as a mother. I need more time for me. That is clear. Time to create, care of self, cleaning/grocery shopping/household crap. I also do not want to push my daughter into moving too fast. I do honestly believe she still needs time with me at home, playing, resting, napping, eating with me, talking to someone who loves her dearly. Full time first grade will come soon enough, right.

However, on a day like today, where I was just getting into a flow and realized to needed to pack up and go get her, it was a supper challenge. Then she was unable to nap, even though she was so exhausted, it just made me feel sad and robbed. I was not able to be fully aware with her, my brain was longing to do so many other things. I felt frustration. Now it has turned into *GUILT* and I can't wrap my brain and heart around a good solution where *GUILT* is not involved.

Looking back on today, I should have just plopped her into my bed and cuddled her with lots of book and love. Of course setting an alarm to not be late for the big kid pickup. However, my desk in my bedroom was tauting me. Time felt short, or even nonexistent. This is eating at me tonight when I should be sleeping for tomorrows 6:30 am start.

No solution. I think it might come down to how long I can keep my needs at bay. Can I hang on tooth and nail till March and have her start the whole day for two days out of the four? I just want to feel there is a happy medium for both her and my soul.

Good night *GUILT*, you can now go to sleep too.

Inspire and Uplift

Now that 2011 is here, I have been doing some thinking, some work in my journal and planning. How to make this year feel more full and satisfying for me?

To start with I need to put more focus on things that inspire and uplift me. So here is a list that I just put together quickly to help me refocus myself for the coming week. I need to find the beauty that surrounds me, as the landscape here is full of brown, accompanied with cold weather and not a lot of sun daily. Hello Winter!

• sea glass in a jar from the Mediterranean Sea. Yes, I have actually been to the Mediterranean Sea at least 8 times since we have been living in the South of France!
• orange and red tulips, as they start to open
• the beautiful color of clementines and persimmons 
• my children sleeping peacefully in their cozy beds, faces soft and tranquil  
• a gin and tonic with a wedge of lime (yes, we can still get wonderful citrus even in winter!)
• my freshly painted toe nails, RED
• organized kitchen cupboards
• thick paper for writing and a new pen
• new colored pencils
• a cup of coffee on a cold morning, steam raising off it as I start to drink
• my husband sleeping through one of my fits of insomnia: allowing me to read and journal, to be able to look over at him and not feel so alone
• raising bread dough
• a new vacuum bag
• pictures of my husband holding our children when they were just babies
• olives from the Saturday market in Provence
• my kids playing for over two hours, make believing together and never once asking for the television to be turned on
• the sun making an appearance to warm us
• orchids of an variety, but especially phalaenopsis
• good French local wine from our village of Pierrevert, France
• new socks
• book store that has all English books and time to wander in it
• heart shaped raw sugar cubes for my coffee
• my favorite salad I make, consisting of roquette, frisee, endive, feta, cherry tomatoes, balsamic/lemon/olive oil and bacon on top

So there is a list of things that move me and bring light into my life, to bring me through winter. What moves you?

A New Year and A New Blog!

As we are about to enter into 2011, I am setting a new goal to keep a record of my life. Also to have a space to process thoughts and experiences I have. Thus a new blog.

I have almost lived in the South of France (two year mark is the end of January 2011) for two years. I am just now keeping my proverbial head above water! It has been a major life change moving to another country where I do not speak the language. There have been many long, painful and lonely hours and days here in Provence, as I have worked to get my feet under me. It is still not like home (San Francisco, CA) but I have gained some comfort, friends, confidence and routine that help make life come daily rhythm.

I have just recently gotten a few hours during the week days to myself. My youngest child, Gracie, started what is the equivalent of preschool here in France. Granted, it is only 3 hours, four times a week, but it has been amazing to have the time. Time to do nothing, time to shop alone, time to take a walk, have a coffee or read a book. Unfortunately with the school experience, she has been sick more than at school. I am hoping her immune system gathers strength and she well more than sick!

It is an overwhelming experience to live where you do not speak the language! Far too often, I have felt like a child, as I struggle to communicate my needs out in the world and to function as an adult. It is almost like your true self is diminished when you are unable to express thoughts, ideas and wants/dislikes. I am a very outspoken, straightforward and confident woman and the move to France has made those qualities be unrecognized because of a language barrier, is soul crushing.

Is my French better? Well not much better from arriving in January 2009. I just recently started French class, as Gracie started school. Mainly my confidence of not caring if I look like a fool when I go out has become stronger. Getting comfortable with the location has helped. I still have panic attacks of getting lost and not being able to ask for directions, or better yet, hacking it out with my French/English dictionary but not being able to understand the response.

We are living in a place where English is not widely spoken. Tough, right. Well, I now have an ocean full of empathy for immigrants struggling in the US who do not speak English. Everything in life becomes ten times more difficult than normal. People get frustrated that you can't understand what is being said. People get frustrated that they have to find some to speak with you, because you don't understand (if there is even someone to do that on shift) and basic things turn into a walking nightmare.

Being away from family and friends also more it lonely and difficult. Most of the people I know here lived in Europe to begin with. Their home county is no more than a two hour flight. For our family it is close to 22 hours with two flights and layovers. This does not even deal with the time change of nine hours for West Coast time and the extraordinary cost. Seriously, at some points in the years, a flight to the US West Coast for a family of four can cost more than my husband's whole paycheck for a month.

I am still putting forth my intentions for this blog and clarifying what I need with regard to an outlet for my voice. Though I knew I needed to take the first step. So, as I process, grow and become myself again (hoping, with an added new twist), I hope you follow my adventures!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!