A current struggle

OK, let's be honest, I have many current struggles! Time is one of my most difficult. Time for me; time to give to my family; time for my children; time for my husband; time for my friends and family in the US or here in France; time for creative projects; time for learning. The list continues.

Today, I have been having tons of GUILT!!! Mom guilt and self guilt. I am finding no clear answers as I go though the process of dissection, and that is proving so hard for me.

Background:

My oldest child is 6.5 years old. I stayed home with him from birth to him starting school. In the US when he was 4, he went two days a week for less than three hours. That was the most time I had away from him, ever. On top of that he had/has a speech delay. On top of that I had a younger daughter that never left my care unless with their dad. Everything just went on hold to raise them. My choice but still hard.

Jump to our move to France in January 2009. My oldest started going to school four days a week from 8:30 am - 4:30 pm during March-April and through the 2009 school year.

I was thrilled to have so much time with my daughter who turned two in March 2009! It was amazing for me to care for only one child. Though it was hard on everyone, as it was long days for my son without me. I could see the toll it took on him in the beginning. *GUILT* The wonderful plague of motherhood. What would we do without it, right.

He is now better with the routine, as he then had the whole school year of 2009/2010 to adjust to the days and he was then five. Still, I felt like he was missing on connection and creative time, or just regular kid downtime doing nothing but playing and daydreaming. The hard part was that I could feel my need for the time away from him. Again nasty *GUILT* came into play.

So, here I am, January 2011. My daughter, who on the general front is very easy for me to be around and care for (a different dynamic than my son to be sure) started the same school in September. Her very first time being away from me! It was so difficult to let he go, how my heart broke, as she is still so much my baby. More than likely my last baby. She is in what would be preschool in the US. I have her going only mornings, four days a week. I drop both off at 8:20 am and return at 11:30 am to get her, while my son stays until 4:30 pm pick up. Here in France, kids go to school Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.

My daughter turns four in March. That was going to be my goal to have her start going the whole day. I am fighting with *GUILT* at even thinking about this. What is in her best interests and what my soul is needing, may not be at the same place. Our current schedule only gives my roughly 2.5 hours before I have to be in the car, on my way to picking her up. Here in France, many of the stores do not even open till 10 am. Though thankfully the most of the grocery stores are open at 8:30 am. I feel in a constant rush or torn between being productive on all fronts or resting,just resting.

I am feeling so torn as a mother. I need more time for me. That is clear. Time to create, care of self, cleaning/grocery shopping/household crap. I also do not want to push my daughter into moving too fast. I do honestly believe she still needs time with me at home, playing, resting, napping, eating with me, talking to someone who loves her dearly. Full time first grade will come soon enough, right.

However, on a day like today, where I was just getting into a flow and realized to needed to pack up and go get her, it was a supper challenge. Then she was unable to nap, even though she was so exhausted, it just made me feel sad and robbed. I was not able to be fully aware with her, my brain was longing to do so many other things. I felt frustration. Now it has turned into *GUILT* and I can't wrap my brain and heart around a good solution where *GUILT* is not involved.

Looking back on today, I should have just plopped her into my bed and cuddled her with lots of book and love. Of course setting an alarm to not be late for the big kid pickup. However, my desk in my bedroom was tauting me. Time felt short, or even nonexistent. This is eating at me tonight when I should be sleeping for tomorrows 6:30 am start.

No solution. I think it might come down to how long I can keep my needs at bay. Can I hang on tooth and nail till March and have her start the whole day for two days out of the four? I just want to feel there is a happy medium for both her and my soul.

Good night *GUILT*, you can now go to sleep too.